Hey, Barbecutie

Archive for January 2010

Part 3: Putting Out.


So, you are coming to the end of your first unescorted meeting (date). The evening has been pleasant, one should hope, and now your gentleman caller is lingering by your side. This is due to the social convention of putting out your body in his general direction. This may seem daunting at first, but so long as you remember these basic rules, you should escape shame or humiliation.

Imagine there are four basic acts to be performed over a non-specific length of time in the context of a normal relationship. (In this situation, normal shall mean basically no freaky shit.)

Depending on your date’s performance, it would not be unusual for you to advance to at least one of these levels over the course of the evening – with one vital proviso. If he is rude to the wait staff (or tablemonkeys), leave and leave post haste. Studies have shown that the male brain equates those in the customer service industry with the forebears of potential mates, i.e. the young lady’s pater and mater. How he treats your barista is how he’ll treat your dear old ma and pa. For realises. You can Google it if you don’t believe me. I dare you. This phenomenon has on occasion been observed amongst some lesbian couplings, but further scientific results are pending.

Back to our four basic acts. For ease of reference, let’s relate them, as our Aztec forefathers did, to the Phases of the Moon.

Phase of the Moon One is betongued kissing in the French style. Phase of the Moon Two is some light footering and general rubbage. Phase of the Moon Three is a broad device covering everything from grinding to fingerplay. And finally, Phase of the Moon Four is sexy sex.

Sorry. I should have looked up the names of the phases of the moon before starting that. But let’s push on.

Now, not knowing how many, if any, Phases to tolerate on Date the First can be very tricky. Different people have different methods to decide how much to give up, bod-wise. Some see how the evening is going, how much they are enjoying the company of their partner and slut it up accordingly. Others sense the date is going poorly and give up the goods immediately, safe in the knowledge that they’ll never have to see him or her again. And some use a complex system of dice. I personally start by assuming that I’ll be going all the proverbial way to Phase of the Moon Four, then knock off a level for every obnoxious accessory they are wearing. Many a fellow has gotten zilch flesh-time for an ill-considered fedora/neckerchief combo. But most of all, it’s important to do what feels right for you.

And remember ladies: always use a condom. Unless you’re just doing Phase of the Moon One through Two, then you’re probably fine without one. Unless Phase Two gets a bit much.

Now, I don’t want to get anyone worried, but I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t warn you guys about the truly heinous happenstance that occurinated to me some few weeks ago. Recently, I innocently posted the below youtube video, wherein I instructed those watching on how to paint your tongue yellow with an ice lolly.

If only I had known the torrent of unfathomable, leaking filth I was about to unleash upon myself.

Some time later, I received this message, under the guise of a “cool” “young-person”:

I’m sorry to bother you but maybe you could please help me out, i know this is kinda random but i saw your vid with your tongue in it and wow! was it big.

I’m doing a project with my girlfriend for school on female anatomy, and we happpened to get tongue as our body part. None of us have long or big tongues and we already filled the shoes for short tongues, so we are begging you to make a video of your tongue and upload it to http://www.sendspace.com, once you upload it there they will give you a “Url link” to share just send me that link in a message on my you tube acct, if you could stick it out as far as you can and say ahhh like at a doctors office so I could name the different parts of your tongue and give it a doctors office feel, try and do it for a minute or as long as you can take lol. If you do it good i’ll need you to do more because of a time limit but first see if you can do this.

please consider it, you would be saving my asss, thanks

At first, I too was taken in by the correspondence of this young and freaky girl. But as I reconsidered the message, a number of points jumped out at me, setting off my fragile “perv-dar”.

1. OMG, like, nobody is totally like saying anythin is “random” anymore or something, whatever!

2. “Girlfriend”? In school? Everyone knows that it isn’t until university before that stuff starts happening.

3. ” and wow! was it big.” You’re at school and you haven’t worked out question marks yet? This science presentation is already a mess.

4. Speaking of which, a presentation on tongues? POINTLESS. They don’t do anything. They’re just a big muscle attached on one end, flopping about in your mouth, not tasting different things on different parts because that’s a common fallacy. Either you’re a weirdo or yours is some kind of school for idiots.

5. So a) you have lots of people with short tongues already and b) you need my massive tongue (ladies…) to label the different parts? So what are you doing with the people with the miniscule tiny child tongues? Why do you need them when their tongue is too depressingly tiny to label, unlike my huge Monstroso-esque licker (ladies…)?

6. “on my you tube acct” What the fuck is this? That isn’t even a sentence.

7. “saving my asss” Classic Pervert. Only a pervert would get so turned on by the mere typing of the word “ass” that they would be compelled to add an extra S, because they’re so kinky.

So. Learn from my mistake. Don’t something something et cetera. Stay safe on the internetwebs.

We walked through darkened midnight streets past terraced houses frozen in a.m. bliss. It was neither cold not breezy; the first and so far only mild night of the year. We were the only living things, or so it felt. We walked on, and spoke of piffling things; love and fear and jokes only we understand and stories we think we heard

– – – – then draw to a simultaneous halt. There is a front window, there is a sheer gauzy curtain. There is a TV set. On it, we make out the image of a pneumatic blonde, dressed in pink, though not for long, as she peels off her bra to reveal a pair of potentially inauthentic, magnificent but indistinct breasts, censored by the netting.

The security light flashed on as we passed the house, but in our shocked lingering, it went off again. As my partner-in-curiosity decides we should move on, his motion causes the light to illuminate once more, attracting the attention of the Alpha voyeur within.

As the scanty image suddenly transforms into the blue of the index page and we leap away from the window and down the street, speculating and cackling with a vague sensation of guilt for disturbing the dweller’s innocent evening’s activities.

Forgetting for a moment that Hermann Hauser was a real person playing a monumental role in the success of Acorn Computers in the 1980s home computer race, he was also hands-down the star of BBC4’s imagining of the the battle for the market. A charming German with a nice line in polonecks, it’s Hermann’s failings that make him amazing:

1. He does not understand chess.

2. Or cards.

3. Or how to make tea.

Often accused of being twee as fuck, Belle and Sebastian have always had a darker edge hidden deep, deep within their lyrics. Not to mention that time they put a lady breastfeeding a tiger on their album cover. They may be a glistening pretty-pop delight, but they are still a bunch of fuckers from Glasgow. Here are some of their most hardcore moments.

  1. Trashing Top of the Pops: Their only appearance on the flagship show (for Legal Man, peaking at number 14) involved some extraordinarily bad miming, having being denied permission to play live, Stevie’s patented Elvis dance moves, and a man in a gorilla costume crashing on top of Richard’s drum kit.
  2. …swiftly followed by trashing the Eastenders set: Afterwards, they decided to get a pint in the set of the Queen Vic next door, only to be arrested for trespassing after Richard and manager Neil Robertson were caught urinating next to Arthur’s bench. Presenter Jamie Theakston managed to convince security to set them free.
  3. Stuart and Isobel’s break-up played out on The Jools Holland Show: Stuart and cellist Isobel Campbell’s turbulent relationship ended before she left the band, producing some very bitter break-up songs. In what could be the most awkward four minutes of television ever, Stuart performs I’m Waking Up To Us (“You like yourself and you like men to kiss your arse”) while Isobel sits sullenly on the floor. The rest of the band avoid eye contact.
  4. Murder Threats: in We Could Be Dreaming, Stuart offers to kill an abusive love rival “outside a butcher’s with a knife on a bike chain” – the most threatening sentence ever to be followed by the words “la la la, yeah yeah yeah yeah”
  5. Accidental Outings: Many fans mistakenly believe Stuart’s brother is gay, according to the lyrics of The State I Am In, where Stuart alludes too vaguely to a dream he once had. According to Stuart, his brother, a navy officer, is not thrilled with the assumption.

Talk about stretching it. Okay, so Crass probably have nothing to worry about, and one look at the video for Is It Wicked Not To Care? demolishes the argument pretty quickly, but let’s not fight.

Instead let’s bond over the Graham Linehan shagfest that is Step Into My Office, Baby.