Hey, Barbecutie

“Ladies, My Mercedes!” A Guide To Modern Romance for Young Ladies

Posted on: January 31, 2010

Part 3: Putting Out.

love

So, you are coming to the end of your first unescorted meeting (date). The evening has been pleasant, one should hope, and now your gentleman caller is lingering by your side. This is due to the social convention of putting out your body in his general direction. This may seem daunting at first, but so long as you remember these basic rules, you should escape shame or humiliation.

Imagine there are four basic acts to be performed over a non-specific length of time in the context of a normal relationship. (In this situation, normal shall mean basically no freaky shit.)

Depending on your date’s performance, it would not be unusual for you to advance to at least one of these levels over the course of the evening – with one vital proviso. If he is rude to the wait staff (or tablemonkeys), leave and leave post haste. Studies have shown that the male brain equates those in the customer service industry with the forebears of potential mates, i.e. the young lady’s pater and mater. How he treats your barista is how he’ll treat your dear old ma and pa. For realises. You can Google it if you don’t believe me. I dare you. This phenomenon has on occasion been observed amongst some lesbian couplings, but further scientific results are pending.

Back to our four basic acts. For ease of reference, let’s relate them, as our Aztec forefathers did, to the Phases of the Moon.

Phase of the Moon One is betongued kissing in the French style. Phase of the Moon Two is some light footering and general rubbage. Phase of the Moon Three is a broad device covering everything from grinding to fingerplay. And finally, Phase of the Moon Four is sexy sex.

Sorry. I should have looked up the names of the phases of the moon before starting that. But let’s push on.

Now, not knowing how many, if any, Phases to tolerate on Date the First can be very tricky. Different people have different methods to decide how much to give up, bod-wise. Some see how the evening is going, how much they are enjoying the company of their partner and slut it up accordingly. Others sense the date is going poorly and give up the goods immediately, safe in the knowledge that they’ll never have to see him or her again. And some use a complex system of dice. I personally start by assuming that I’ll be going all the proverbial way to Phase of the Moon Four, then knock off a level for every obnoxious accessory they are wearing. Many a fellow has gotten zilch flesh-time for an ill-considered fedora/neckerchief combo. But most of all, it’s important to do what feels right for you.

And remember ladies: always use a condom. Unless you’re just doing Phase of the Moon One through Two, then you’re probably fine without one. Unless Phase Two gets a bit much.

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