Hey, Barbecutie

Some Things To Take Into Consideration When Naming Your Child

Posted on: June 29, 2010

Naming a child is a huge responsibility. One has to find a name both parents agree on, gain the approval of each respective set of overbearing in-laws, and choose something that will ensure their beloved child will only be bullied because of how they look, and not what they are called. Speaking as someone whose name people have huge difficulty spelling, saying, and even remembering, I feel qualified to offer a list of important things for new parents to think about:

Tristram? Seriously?

How it works with your surname
Robert Robertson, Teresa Green, Anthony Eder, Peter File
Unfortunate rhymes and half-rhymes
Regina, Bart, Munt
Their initials (possibly including middle name)
Brian Sloane, Harold Ian Vaughn
Their first name as initial plus full surname
Susan Lavery, Steven Laughter
Possible nicknames
Richard, Lesley, Bitchonia
Names which were once perfectly acceptable but have devolved into something more unfortunate with the inevitable onward march of the evolution of the English language
Fanny, Virginia, Gaylord
Undue pressure on the behaviour, moral standards and life choices
Charity, Chastity, Honour
Whether the name will suit them when they’re 8 months
Does Frank’s nappy need changed?
Whether the name will suit them when they’re 80
Does Lacey’s nappy need changed?
Whether the name will allow people to work out instantly what cultural phenomena were in place at the time of your child’s birth
Shakira, Keanu, Mr T
Whether the name will suit them if they become a lawyer or a school headmaster
M’ykenziee, Princess, Trojan
Whether the name will suit them if they turn out to be a fatty fatty boom-batty
Lily, don’t bench-press your brother.
Whether the name will automatically remove all authority when you use it in the course of discipline
Stop jumping on your granddad, Legolas!

And my personal selection of names that are appropriate in all situations:

Baby Cockjockée approves.

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