Hey, Barbecutie

Posts Tagged ‘conversations

#4 Ian McEwan
Behind the wall of his garden on a warm spring day

Me: Oi! Oi! McEwan! Can we have our ball back please?
Him: No, no, I’m sorry.
Me: Come on!
Him: This is the last straw, and I warned you before, I don’t know how many times.
Me: We’re sorry, we didn’t mean to!
Him: You’ve completely flattened my begonias!
Me: Oh, McEw-an!
Him: And that crawler has never recovered from last time.
Me: We said we were sorry, just give us the ball back!
Him: No, no, absolutely not. My mind’s quite made up. Now why don’t you all clear off? Should be off playing in the park anyway, not in the street.
Me: We can’t play without a ball!
Him: Well, you should have thought of that, shouldn’t you? Now, get out of here!
Me: Grumpy old git.
Him: I heard that!

#3 Cyndi Lauper
At a Primark till point on a Saturday afternoon

Her: Excuse me – excuse me! I was next!
Me: Oh, were you? I…hang on…
Her: It’s ridiculous.
Me: I’m sorry. I can take you now. Sorry about that.
Her: Standing in the line all that time…
Me: It’s so busy today…
Her: …he left to go look over there, so I was next…
Me: …lose track of things. Do you want the hangers?
Her: No thanks.
Me: Okay.
Her: God, it’s so hot in here.
Me: Yeah, it’s…it’s warm.
Her: How can you stand it? Jeez.
Me: It’s…a warm day.
Her: Would drive me crazy.
Me: There’s no exchange or return on the briefs, okay?
Her: What?
Me: The underwear. If there’s something wrong, wrong size or whatever, you can’t bring them back. Hygiene, you know? We have to tell everyone.
Her: What about the brassieres?
Me: Well, it’s part of a set, so…you know.
Her: What?
Me: No.
Her: Okay. Fine.
Me: That’s £23.00, please.
Her: Is that a lot? In dollars?
Me: Sorry, I don’t know.
Her: Okay.
Me: Thanks. Do you want your receipt?
Her: Well, I can’t return anything, can I?
Me: Just the…briefs. Okay. Goodbye.

#2 James Cameron
At bus stop E at Marble Arch, 2 a.m. in the rain

JC: I’m the king of the world!
BF: I’m sorry?
JC: The King of the World. That’s me. King of the World.
BF: Oh, right.
[pause]
JC: Are you not saying anything because you think I’m crazy?
BF: Oh, oh no, not at all. I’m just tired. From my night out.
JC: Not me. I’m high energy. I’ve just been to the Baftas!
BF: Wow.
JC: I know! I’m the king of them too.
BF: All right.
JC: Yeah “all right”. It’s really good for me. Good work, JC – oh, hey, did you notice that? I’m JC – Jay-See – James Cameron, JC!
BF: Okay.
JC: JC, Jesus Christ, JC, James Cameron, you get it? Huh?
BF: Uh-huh.
JC: You don’t think that’s a coincidence, do you?
BF: I really couldn’t say.
JC: I know you couldn’t. I knew that already.
BF: I think this is my bus coming.
JC: Okay. All right. Do you know how to get to South Kensington from here? Okay. Bye-bye.

#1.b Supplemental

Some fun Michael Stipe facts:

Michael Stipe is in REM!
REM is a band!
The elastic band was invented in 1867 by Dr Elastise Bandatori for the purposes of interrogating criminals in a humane manner!
Here are some words that rhyme with band: Dand, Nand, Frand!
I hear Michael Stipe is a bit of a prick in real life!

#1
When enjoying the view from Embankment bridge on a crisp Autumn eve.

HIM: Hi. Ahem, cough, excuse me.
ME: Did you just say “cough”?
HIM: Oh…yes. I think so. Sorry. I was trying to get your attention.
ME: Okay.
HIM: So how are things with you.
ME: Oh. Fine. You know.
HIM: That’s good. That’s good… You don’t remember me, do you?
ME: Have we met?
HIM: I think so. Murial’s party, right? I’m Michael. Michael Stipe.
ME: I don’t know anyone called Mural.
HIM: Murial.
ME: Yeah, well. Still.
HIM: Okay. Are you sure? It’s just…you look a lot like him/
ME: I’m a woman.
HIM: I don’t like to make assumptions.
ME: I think you have me confused with someone else.
HIM: Okay. Sorry. Oh, hey, where’d you get that ice cream?
ME: There’s a stall just along there.
HIM: Is it vegan?
ME: I don’t think so.
HIM: Oh. Okay.