Hey, Barbecutie

Posts Tagged ‘love und romance

As a young man, [Salvador Dali] was totally asexual, and forever making fun of friends who fell in love or ran after women – until the day he lost his virginity to Gala & wrote me a 6-page letter detailing, in his own inimitable way, the pleasures of carnal love. (Gala’s the only woman he ever really made love to. Of course, he’s seduced many, particularly American heiresses; but those seductions usually entailed stripping them naked in his apartment, frying a couple of eggs, putting them on the woman’s shoulders, and, without a word, showing them to the door.)

— from “My Last Sigh” by Luis Buñuel.

This will almost certainly be awful but I will almost certainly go and see it.

And wish I was watching this instead.

As I have been single for a little while now, I have become a beacon for well-meaning acquaintances desperate to set me up with someone they know. I have politely resisted thus far, not feeling any particular need to unsingle myself for the sake of it, but I wish to make a public service announcement: I would be happily set up on a date with the model for this book cover:

The hat at a jaunty angle! The pristine, immaculately clean jeans! The tongue stuck out in a way that says, “I’m concentrating on rummaging here”! This is the man of my dreams. I’m assuming he’s not actually homeless, but if so, I’m sure we’d get through it together. Love is never having to say spare change, guv.

Part 3: Putting Out.


So, you are coming to the end of your first unescorted meeting (date). The evening has been pleasant, one should hope, and now your gentleman caller is lingering by your side. This is due to the social convention of putting out your body in his general direction. This may seem daunting at first, but so long as you remember these basic rules, you should escape shame or humiliation.

Imagine there are four basic acts to be performed over a non-specific length of time in the context of a normal relationship. (In this situation, normal shall mean basically no freaky shit.)

Depending on your date’s performance, it would not be unusual for you to advance to at least one of these levels over the course of the evening – with one vital proviso. If he is rude to the wait staff (or tablemonkeys), leave and leave post haste. Studies have shown that the male brain equates those in the customer service industry with the forebears of potential mates, i.e. the young lady’s pater and mater. How he treats your barista is how he’ll treat your dear old ma and pa. For realises. You can Google it if you don’t believe me. I dare you. This phenomenon has on occasion been observed amongst some lesbian couplings, but further scientific results are pending.

Back to our four basic acts. For ease of reference, let’s relate them, as our Aztec forefathers did, to the Phases of the Moon.

Phase of the Moon One is betongued kissing in the French style. Phase of the Moon Two is some light footering and general rubbage. Phase of the Moon Three is a broad device covering everything from grinding to fingerplay. And finally, Phase of the Moon Four is sexy sex.

Sorry. I should have looked up the names of the phases of the moon before starting that. But let’s push on.

Now, not knowing how many, if any, Phases to tolerate on Date the First can be very tricky. Different people have different methods to decide how much to give up, bod-wise. Some see how the evening is going, how much they are enjoying the company of their partner and slut it up accordingly. Others sense the date is going poorly and give up the goods immediately, safe in the knowledge that they’ll never have to see him or her again. And some use a complex system of dice. I personally start by assuming that I’ll be going all the proverbial way to Phase of the Moon Four, then knock off a level for every obnoxious accessory they are wearing. Many a fellow has gotten zilch flesh-time for an ill-considered fedora/neckerchief combo. But most of all, it’s important to do what feels right for you.

And remember ladies: always use a condom. Unless you’re just doing Phase of the Moon One through Two, then you’re probably fine without one. Unless Phase Two gets a bit much.