Hey, Barbecutie

Posts Tagged ‘tongue

As a young man, [Salvador Dali] was totally asexual, and forever making fun of friends who fell in love or ran after women – until the day he lost his virginity to Gala & wrote me a 6-page letter detailing, in his own inimitable way, the pleasures of carnal love. (Gala’s the only woman he ever really made love to. Of course, he’s seduced many, particularly American heiresses; but those seductions usually entailed stripping them naked in his apartment, frying a couple of eggs, putting them on the woman’s shoulders, and, without a word, showing them to the door.)

— from “My Last Sigh” by Luis Buñuel.

As I have been single for a little while now, I have become a beacon for well-meaning acquaintances desperate to set me up with someone they know. I have politely resisted thus far, not feeling any particular need to unsingle myself for the sake of it, but I wish to make a public service announcement: I would be happily set up on a date with the model for this book cover:

The hat at a jaunty angle! The pristine, immaculately clean jeans! The tongue stuck out in a way that says, “I’m concentrating on rummaging here”! This is the man of my dreams. I’m assuming he’s not actually homeless, but if so, I’m sure we’d get through it together. Love is never having to say spare change, guv.

Now, I don’t want to get anyone worried, but I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t warn you guys about the truly heinous happenstance that occurinated to me some few weeks ago. Recently, I innocently posted the below youtube video, wherein I instructed those watching on how to paint your tongue yellow with an ice lolly.

If only I had known the torrent of unfathomable, leaking filth I was about to unleash upon myself.

Some time later, I received this message, under the guise of a “cool” “young-person”:

I’m sorry to bother you but maybe you could please help me out, i know this is kinda random but i saw your vid with your tongue in it and wow! was it big.

I’m doing a project with my girlfriend for school on female anatomy, and we happpened to get tongue as our body part. None of us have long or big tongues and we already filled the shoes for short tongues, so we are begging you to make a video of your tongue and upload it to http://www.sendspace.com, once you upload it there they will give you a “Url link” to share just send me that link in a message on my you tube acct, if you could stick it out as far as you can and say ahhh like at a doctors office so I could name the different parts of your tongue and give it a doctors office feel, try and do it for a minute or as long as you can take lol. If you do it good i’ll need you to do more because of a time limit but first see if you can do this.

please consider it, you would be saving my asss, thanks

At first, I too was taken in by the correspondence of this young and freaky girl. But as I reconsidered the message, a number of points jumped out at me, setting off my fragile “perv-dar”.

1. OMG, like, nobody is totally like saying anythin is “random” anymore or something, whatever!

2. “Girlfriend”? In school? Everyone knows that it isn’t until university before that stuff starts happening.

3. ” and wow! was it big.” You’re at school and you haven’t worked out question marks yet? This science presentation is already a mess.

4. Speaking of which, a presentation on tongues? POINTLESS. They don’t do anything. They’re just a big muscle attached on one end, flopping about in your mouth, not tasting different things on different parts because that’s a common fallacy. Either you’re a weirdo or yours is some kind of school for idiots.

5. So a) you have lots of people with short tongues already and b) you need my massive tongue (ladies…) to label the different parts? So what are you doing with the people with the miniscule tiny child tongues? Why do you need them when their tongue is too depressingly tiny to label, unlike my huge Monstroso-esque licker (ladies…)?

6. “on my you tube acct” What the fuck is this? That isn’t even a sentence.

7. “saving my asss” Classic Pervert. Only a pervert would get so turned on by the mere typing of the word “ass” that they would be compelled to add an extra S, because they’re so kinky.

So. Learn from my mistake. Don’t something something et cetera. Stay safe on the internetwebs.